Sickening

What is it with me? What is it with me that causes me to bounce from up to down again and again and again? I’m no ball.

I’m tired, really. Sorry, as well. Feeling pathetic, useless, again. Again. And again.

Interesting.

Wonder how you people put up with me.

I’ve become so used to it, haven’t I? So used to all that is that, and everything that surrounds it, that my heart has become immune to it. That I don’t care anymore. That when there is jibes, when there is strikes, I take it all to heart. Where it hurts, it pinches, but since it’s already broken, there’s no point. Just a little additional pain. Handled as carelessly as before.

It’s just that I don’t understand. That I don’t like it when promises aren’t kept, and when there is just no compromise, no mutual consensus. That I’m stuck between hell and high waters, and there is only screams all around me.

I’m too used to it. I’ve become so hardened, that I’m really a pathetic child. Makes me wonder, makes me wonder what is it about me that makes people befriend me, when I’m just a hypocrite, another monster along the road of life.

With a facade, of nothingness, and smiles that seem more strained on days with no end.

I can’t social well, I can’t speak well, I can’t do things well, I can’t make things well, I can’t smile and laugh and pretend.

Because that’s not me.

I’m one with no kindness, with no likeness, with no heart.

Because it’s already torn apart by you, remember?

I’m one with no heart.

Because. Because. Because.

Compromise.

They say, show to the world you’ve changed for the better. Show to the world you’re more than ever. Show to the world, what you are now, and not then.

But what if, what if I can’t? What if I’m no better? That I’m worst than ever, that I still can’t control temper flares, and hurtful words, and brittle glares. How to show the world I care, when I don’t. Not anymore, not since then.

I hate myself. Hasn’t it always been? Haven’t I always? It had always been this way. Wonder how many times I’ve written about the uselessness of myself. In that dying old blog in which there has been nothing but hate and love and so many things that make me that one whom always the one whom always the one at fault.

Why, I ask. Why, and then there’s nothing. And then there’s nothing.

There’s nothing to show the world. There’s nothing, because I’m the same old me. I’m the same old me with views that have changed, but still the same.

I hate it when you say yes and no, and she says I don’t want to, and he says, I won’t leave, when there’s only me and you and her and him, and then. You don’t understand, and I can’t forgive and I can’t give in. And I’m so used to it, that I cannot. I cannot, you see? Because it has always been this way, and there must be change, somehow, somewhere.

But change isn’t easy to come by. Because change must be first started by someone. And that someone has to be me, and I don’t want to be the one to be the one to be. And I cannot, because I must.

That’s how you show the world isn’t it?

I know. I know. I know to give it up. I know to surrender. But words are just words, and where is the strength? Strength, that comes and goes, and then once again, darkness in light. Because light and darkness co-exist. Not one without the other.

I thought things have changed. I thought things have turned for the better. I thought things were right. I thought it was well. I thought I made it. I thought I did.

I thought.

I thought wrong.

I wanted so hard. I wanted so badly. But.

I’ve fallen again.

You Can’t Change This.

No human can.

I’m tired. I really am. It feels like I’ve only a darkness in my heart, a heaviness, an uneasiness upon me. I can’t explain it. Perhaps, only a collection, a jumble, a mixture, a clump, a broken heart caused by so much fears, so much worries, so much what-ifs.

Because there is naught to do anymore, but to surrender, and to surrender is hard, because of uncertainty, because of nothing else but faith and trust, and nothing else but moving on, going on, mechanically, like a robot, like a dog, like a King, because that’s the only thing to do.

Who’s to save you? Who’s to save me?

I’m swimming in darkness. When I close my eyes to pray, I feel something overcoming me, eating me, drowning me in so much fear and I have to open them or I’ll die.

I’m so scared.

Only You. Only You.

joy in three little words

Remain Unspoken by Westzone

“I love you,” She says, and she does not hear.

“I love you!” She shouts, and still, she does not hear.

I love you, I love you.

“I love you,” She says, and He hears.

“I love you!” She shouts, and He smiles.

I love you, I love you.

And all is good.

Oh, love the Lord, all you His saints!
For the Lord preserves the faithful,
And fully repays the proud person.
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart,
All you who hope in the Lord.

~ Psalm 31:23-24

And the Lord shall help them and deliver them;
He shall deliver them from the wicked,
And save them,
Because they trust in Him.

~ Psalm 37:40

Do you understand when I cry out? You do not seem to listen. You do not want to listen. You speak of hurtful words, because they make you feel good. You speak of things that sear and stab the heart because they heal your own wounds, they heal only the surface and still the pain throbs but so long as it is not seen, you can pretend that it is not there.

I cannot.

And I give my hurts, my pain, the searing, the stabbing, all that you have passed on to me to someone who will heal them and bring me up. For I cannot simply live on as I did, I cannot simply do as I do, and hope for a miracle that will not happen then.

It will now.

Because I believe in Him.

“I love you,” She says, and she does not hear. Not truly. She says too, “I love you dear. I love you.” It is her who says it and knows, and does not believe although she wants, and needs are more than wants and “I love you.” It lasts only for a moment.

“I love you!” She shouts, and still, she does not hear. Not truly. “I love you, I love you,” She sings and it is because there is a sudden joy upon her heart she wishes to spread, but only for a moment, only for a moment.

And there is darkness upon her heart and words that burn and burn and there is nothing upon everything and everything upon nothing.

‘I love you.’ She whispers. I love you. She does not say.

I love you. She does not say.

I love you. She does not say.

And He always, always listens.

Unspoken Words by GreenRay

To Confusion

There seems to be everything and nothing at stake, and that everything seems to be at hold with one word, with one glance. When everything else moves, you’re staying still, you’re relentless pounding at nothing, keeping track when there’s no need.

Like love like hate like anger like bliss like.

When you want, and you need, and what you want is not what you need and what you need is not what you want and what is need and want when you are not the one to give and take and everything is not in your hands and nothing is.

I have to.

That feeling when time’s creeping by, and there’s absolutely nothing you’re doing as it tick tock tick and after an hour and two and three and still, you cannot, and – I hate that.

Why? Why? Why? To be or not to be and that is the question always and forever.

Is it things I say or do not say that makes you wonder? Is it that I say things I say that makes it all the more strange, beautiful, wonderful, ugly, dirty, in every sense. Is it that I do not say what they you do not know and then there is no understanding, no comprehension and there is nothing upon everything.

Beginning and the End.

Midnight Heat

Just so you know, I’m feeling rather stressed out for Statistics exam tomorrow, because I have absolutely zero confidence in being able to do Probability questions after always having flunked them in previous exams.

And being in a grouchy annoyed, ‘poke-me-and-die’ mood, doesn’t help much either.

Worst still, I’m working my brain off trying to do them now in said mood, and the weather is so freaking hot I just want to kill myself and die first.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Sam, don’t pull up your shirt, I don’t wanna see a thing. Bleh.

Why so hot! Hot! Hot!

I’m tired.

Oh I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over.

Oh, I forgot. So many things are waiting for me after exams. Oh, I’m going to be so frazzled, and sheesh. I will not fret over such matters anymore.

Leave me alone.