Sickening

What is it with me? What is it with me that causes me to bounce from up to down again and again and again? I’m no ball.

I’m tired, really. Sorry, as well. Feeling pathetic, useless, again. Again. And again.

Interesting.

Wonder how you people put up with me.

I’ve become so used to it, haven’t I? So used to all that is that, and everything that surrounds it, that my heart has become immune to it. That I don’t care anymore. That when there is jibes, when there is strikes, I take it all to heart. Where it hurts, it pinches, but since it’s already broken, there’s no point. Just a little additional pain. Handled as carelessly as before.

It’s just that I don’t understand. That I don’t like it when promises aren’t kept, and when there is just no compromise, no mutual consensus. That I’m stuck between hell and high waters, and there is only screams all around me.

I’m too used to it. I’ve become so hardened, that I’m really a pathetic child. Makes me wonder, makes me wonder what is it about me that makes people befriend me, when I’m just a hypocrite, another monster along the road of life.

With a facade, of nothingness, and smiles that seem more strained on days with no end.

I can’t social well, I can’t speak well, I can’t do things well, I can’t make things well, I can’t smile and laugh and pretend.

Because that’s not me.

I’m one with no kindness, with no likeness, with no heart.

Because it’s already torn apart by you, remember?

I’m one with no heart.

Because. Because. Because.

Compromise.

They say, show to the world you’ve changed for the better. Show to the world you’re more than ever. Show to the world, what you are now, and not then.

But what if, what if I can’t? What if I’m no better? That I’m worst than ever, that I still can’t control temper flares, and hurtful words, and brittle glares. How to show the world I care, when I don’t. Not anymore, not since then.

I hate myself. Hasn’t it always been? Haven’t I always? It had always been this way. Wonder how many times I’ve written about the uselessness of myself. In that dying old blog in which there has been nothing but hate and love and so many things that make me that one whom always the one whom always the one at fault.

Why, I ask. Why, and then there’s nothing. And then there’s nothing.

There’s nothing to show the world. There’s nothing, because I’m the same old me. I’m the same old me with views that have changed, but still the same.

I hate it when you say yes and no, and she says I don’t want to, and he says, I won’t leave, when there’s only me and you and her and him, and then. You don’t understand, and I can’t forgive and I can’t give in. And I’m so used to it, that I cannot. I cannot, you see? Because it has always been this way, and there must be change, somehow, somewhere.

But change isn’t easy to come by. Because change must be first started by someone. And that someone has to be me, and I don’t want to be the one to be the one to be. And I cannot, because I must.

That’s how you show the world isn’t it?

I know. I know. I know to give it up. I know to surrender. But words are just words, and where is the strength? Strength, that comes and goes, and then once again, darkness in light. Because light and darkness co-exist. Not one without the other.

I thought things have changed. I thought things have turned for the better. I thought things were right. I thought it was well. I thought I made it. I thought I did.

I thought.

I thought wrong.

I wanted so hard. I wanted so badly. But.

I’ve fallen again.

3 thoughts on “Sickening

  1. Don’t be fooled by me,
    Don’t be fooled by the face I wear,
    For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
    masks that I’m afraid to take off,
    and none of them is me.
    Pretending is an art that’s second nature to me,
    But don’t be fooled.
    For God’s sake don’t be foolef.
    I give you the impression that I’m secure,
    That confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
    that the water is calm and I’m in command,
    And that I need no one.
    But don’t believe me.
    My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
    Ever varying and ever concealing,
    Beneath lays no complacence.
    Beneath lays confusion and fear and aloneness.
    But I hid this. I don’t want anybody to know it.

    I panic at the thought of my weaknesses and fear being exposed.
    That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
    A nonchalant sophisticated faced, to help me pretend,
    To shield me from the glance that knows.
    …….
    Who am I, you may wonder.
    I am someone you know very well
    For I am every man you meet,
    And I am every woman you meet. Charles C. Finn

    There’s nothing wrong with you…We are hypocrites. Behind our smiles, behind all the laughter, we are actually people who are hurting. We have been let down so many times that we have grown numb to the feeling, we have been betrayed by the once we loved and cared for so much…We hate others because they are better than us… We hate ourselves for not being stronger, for simply not being like others…Each day we put on a mask to face to world, to shield ourselves from prying eyes and to hide our inmost being…It’s ok. You are not alone..You are no more the monster than I am, than we all are…It’s really ok, coz HE’s seen who we really are, beneath our facade…and HE accepts us and loves for who we are!

    Don’t give up just yet…You owe the world no explanation, coz there is no need to prove anything except to yourself.. I’m sure you too know, darkness and light do not coexist. Darkness is but the absence of light and true light drives out darkness..A friend told me once, there’s a light at the end of the dark tunnel…It’s true..We’ve seen it. Keep running towards that light with assurance that HE will provide you the strength, an everlasting strength that will never ever fade. May you find the peace you seek and with it the reason to live! Will be praying for you…

  2. I may not be excellent with words..but here goes

    I befriend you because you are a good person. A good friend whom I know will always be there for a friend. You are a person with strong character and a mature person for your age.

    You may say that you do not social well or talk well but I still want to befriend you because I don’t care about all those as long as you are a true friend and through my 6 months being friends with you I realize that you are really special in your own way;). And no…everyone is kind and don’t deny it..you are kind.

    Don’t hate yourself. I know that is easier said than done for you now but hating yourself isn’t the solution out. It makes you even more depressed. Everyone will have that time where we feel useless but soon we’ll come to realize we are not as bad as some people. Here is one thing I know: Somebody is always in a worse situation compared to you. So, we’ll just have to count our blessings about what we still have.

    Love yourself for who you are because you really have great stuff behind you=)

    I know there are times when you wish you were on the other side of the world and your boat is sinking and everything but hey, after every dark period there is light no? Things will get better and you just have to hang in there until there is light. I am free if you need to talk or scream or yell.=)

  3. ‘show the world.’ Remember one time I said our senior said to me, show the world what you’re worth. And I didn’t like it because I felt like he meant what i do and all that is only as much as what I’m worth. But show the world through Him and by the strength you draw from Him, I guess that’s what he meant. To not give up and keep pressing on until your heart drops to your uterus (lol) and yoour bones crack, but to keep doing it because you do it all for Him, aight? :)

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