Thats Just It

Once upon a time, I wanted to write a fantasy story about a love that could never be. It was meant to be tragic, heartwrenching, damn good.

In fact, I’m still writing it. But its evolved far more than what it was meant to be in the beginning. There are so many changes since then, and not only in the storyline. But in the people as well. That would include myself. Growing up can really make you see things in a newer perspective. You can really tell what’s changed, when your style’s changed as well.

One of the biggest differences? Something really funny. Back then, I didn’t really know what a crush was like. Seriously, I’m not even going to reveal my age when I first started writing that story, but yeah. I wasn’t all that young.

I still recall going on the forum and asking people, “How do you write about crushes? What are the emotions involved? The symptoms?” When I think back on this, I really wish I could turn back time and stop myself from asking senseless questions haha. So naive! But I really wanted to know, and I really wanted to write that really good story about a crush that turned to love, and yes, happy endings coupled with magic, fighting, and running. Oh, wow. Haha. What a story. You see it everywhere now.

Going back to that stupid question about crushes. Haha. I still have the answers saved from that forum somewhere in my laptop. :) It was a few pages long, with experience from people of all ages, all over the world. They were darn helpful, and I gobbled up every tidbit.

The way you get so excited seeing that someone you like.

Feeling happy for no reason at all, and loving the way they smile at you.

The way you count the moments they’re there, and the way you miss them when they’re not.

Thinking about what could be.

Thinking about them day and night.

The best part? I actually tried to incorporate all the little bits and pieces of every answer into my main character. It never did work out, because I didn’t really know how it was like then. It was like dumping a whole barrel of a weird fruit on someone, and asking them to make dishes with them. You don’t know how it tastes like, how it’s unique flavour would work with others, how to incorporate its scent into the dish. The same with trying to write down experiences you’ve never had.

It doesn’t work out. Not until you’ve had that touch. It doesn’t work out for all things, because some things you’ve never seen before, imagination can supply. Having a crush is not something imagination can help you out with. Because the breaking your heart part? Hard to imagine when you’ve never been hurt there before. :)

And now that I finally do?

Oh, having a crush is such a pain. Such a pain.

I’m going to forego it altogether in my story this time. ;)

And the point of this story? Nothing really. Just felt like it. Felt like announcing, that yes, you are finally dead to me. Oh, and NaNoWriMo‘s tomorrow, and there’s a quick spotter’s test on Tuesday, MTF test for Anatomy on Wednesday, Physio on Saturday and Biochem on Monday I think. Oh woe.

I’m still going to write though.

But maybe not about crushes anymore.

It just makes me realize how weird life is that the exact same moment that meant nothing to you, you meant everything to me.  Now I can’t forget, and you can’t remember.

There Was Another Time In My Life: Rambles

Relient K. :)

And yes, there was another time in my before I knew you.

It’s been a month and nearly a week past now since I first stepped foot onto this new land. Since then, so much has happened. Things has been crazy up and down, in such a way that days seem to blur together into one line, and events slot themselves neatly into one-liners.

You can’t afford to screw your spotters.

You are called to do this.

Why can’t you just step back and let it go?

Don’t let the bitterness consume you.

Don’t let such silly sentiments of love take control.

What are you doing now? Don’t start.

Things are so much more different here than INTEC. The struggles so much more different. And just as how I emerged victorious from various scuffles and battles there, I’m sure that I’ll be led to be even more here. It’s tough, yes. Tougher than I ever expected, with things happening that I never knew could happen. I’ve cried so many times here, but with every tear shed, I’m going to stand up that much higher, and be that much stronger.

Not because I can. Because I will.

Thank you for allowing me to run, to jump, to scream at the tops of my lungs. I will never survive without your guidance in my life. For there was another time before you. And that time, it seemed like all I could do was to make chains. Although now, I’ve questioned myself and yet again, changed to close up: the chains that bind, are not chains that choke. But one that tells me, I am never alone.

Since then, nothing can compare. The sorrows, the heartbreak, the suffering. Nothing can compare to what I have then and now. Such a big difference in my life. One that never lets me forget how precious I am.

For that gives me strength to go through another blurred day fast becoming history, and to a future where things will turn out a little better.

I know that I’ve come a long way
My heart’s headed in the right place
But sometimes your past’s hard to face
But now I know you

There was another time in my life
There was another time in my life
Oh, there was another time in my life
Before I knew you

I sailed through the high winds and waves
I wondered if I could be saved
But I have emerged unscathed
Because I know you

There was another time in my life
There was another time in my life
Oh, there was another time in my life
Before I knew you, before I knew you

P/S: Esther’s in the hospital because of Malaria. Please pray for her fast recovery! :( We’re so far from home, and the system here is so different. All I wanna do is to watch her day and night actually, because the loneliness can take hold, when you’re all alone. But there’s classes and exams and PBL. And oh, I’m so torn.

Get well soon Esther!

Like Precious Things

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. It started with nightmares, and fears all rising to the surface and the morning after wasn’t all that great either.

It was one of those days where you wished you could start over. One of those days where you just wanted to stay in bed, cuddled up in blankets in your oldest, most comfortable clothes, and be pampered. But it was not a luxury that I was given.

Then came the evening, awaited with anticipation, for a breakthrough from the misery. And yet, it deepens, and festers. Tears come and go, and all I have, is a memory of warmth.

It wasn’t until the last beaming rays of the sun, peeking through the clouds, that peace settled in once again.

We all have our bad days. But I think the best part is remembering, that even through it, He’s always there for me. Sending me His love through the people around me, through the beauty that surrounds me, and from the very beginning He knew my name.

Thank God for the friends He supplied me with.

P/S: All shots are from Kaup Beach (Pronounced as Kar-pu?) and yes, we reached there late in the evening due to some traffic problems. But the sky was filled with stars, and it was wonderful watching the beam from the lighthouse go round and round. Was reminded of the story in the movie, “Yours, Mine and Ours.”

Like An Electric Jolt.

It happened again and again and again!!

This time its when I turn back to write more notes about the Axilla, and I got a jolt about the same picture in my head! Only then, in the dream, I was crying, and someone was entering the room, shocked to see me in tears, staring at the same page in the textbook. I don’t know who that someone is, and even if I have an inkling of who it is, I’m not sure!


But really. My first statement when I got that jolt was, “wtf is this man.”

I don’t believe myself. I’m too busy to upload pictures of the restaurant that gave me the same jolt as well. But I will, soon-ish. :( Crazy crazy crazy. All I ask myself now is, “Did you seriously dream this up?” And in my heart, I think, Yes confidently. Then, a yes? Then, a maybe. And finally. No.

And it goes away till the next time.

Till next time then.

p/s: for the women. I like it on my bed. ;)