“Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?”
-excerpt from “Dream Within a Dream”
by Edgar Allan Poe
Everything seems like a dream here. I don’t even know if I’m truly awake right now. It’s kind of scary because I don’t know myself if I’m making it up, or it really came to pass.
I have lots of dreams, nearly everyone who knows me well knows that. I can tell you my dreams nearly every night. Sometimes they make sense, and sometimes they don’t. Dreams are like that. They can have no rhyme or reason, and yet, at times, they seem so real that I fear that I never really woke up from one at all.
Sometimes my dreams reflect my fears, and the speech in those dreams will always nearly be the same as the outcome in reality. I come to think of those dreams as ones that will indefinitely occur in the future, but it may not come to be exactly the same.
And then there are the dreams that are fuzzy and muzzy and don’t really make a lot of sense. There are just lots of colours, sounds, scent. I can feel and hear and seem to be awake, and yet I know I’m not because everything has that fuzzy feeling to it. Its like you’re within a thin veil, seeing everything through a haze. You can smell, touch, hear, and even taste but everything has a second layer to it. That dream-like quality that ensures that you’re not awake, and yet, you seem to be living your day to day life.
I will remember those dreams briefly in the morning, telling myself to write in down and stick it in the Dreams folder I have. Most of the time I will forget it once I’ve brushed my teeth and bathed.
And like a jolt of lightning, I’ll remember it clear as day suddenly.
Ever had déjà vu? Know what it feels like? My life in India currently is like one big déjà vu. I don’t really know how to use that word, but I just know that nothing seems real here. Not because I don’t believe myself to be here. Well, maybe a little.
But mostly because it seems like I’ve lived every moment before.
Yes, you read that right.
It’s like every waking moment is a dream. Those dreams with fuzzy like quality coming true, making me doubt my own thoughts. Making me doubt my own memories.
I’ve always had them, these feeling that I’ve lived this particular moment before. And I’ve always know it was in dreams. I just never really told anybody, nor emphasize it, because I know people will just think I’m making things up.
It started when I first went to KLCC for the Ko-PLN trip. That first real déjà vu feeling, knowing I’ve dreamt of sitting in this bus before, seeing these sights.
It continued on to being in a stadium like place, watching a musical.
And now, when I was trying on the lab coat, and Hasvaany asking me if it fits right with both the Malay seniors watching me and helping me see if it is the right size to buy.
Oh, I can’t explain it in words. In fact, it seems dull even to me. But the impact. Oh, the impact.
It really was like lightning. The knowledge that YES I’VE BEEN HERE BEFORE. DONE THIS BEFORE.
And the dream comes flooding back, and my reality feels fuzzy with the same dreamy quality, and suddenly I’m not sure if I’m even awake or not.
Seriously, I know I’ve dreamt that before. Even with the right people. The same atmosphere. The same stretch of shoulders as the lab coat slid on my frame. The same questions asked, and the same answers given.
It doesn’t stop there. Every sight here, every noise, every place, it brings back memories I’ve never had but in dreams.
Even the place I’m sitting at in class, beside Ker Yin, asking Peter to get slides for us. Oh, I’ve dreamt it before, I’m sure of it. I would never have dreamt of a huge brown classroom like that before.
Meeting some people brought back memories, and I’ve never met them before till today.
It’s freaky, and you might not believe me at all, thinking its all in my head. But I know that to me it could be real. Because I don’t believe it myself. I really don’t. It’s just that lab coat encounter was the realest of them all, and I just couldn’t deny it to myself anymore.
Rationalizing with my own head gets tired too.
I’ll just take it as it is.
My life is pre-destined already after all. Written down already. To walk a path that I not so much as chose, but surrendered to.
Maybe those dreams were all a preparation to whats to come.
I don’t know.
I only know that I still have dreams like that. And I still feel like every moment is a dream I haven’t woken from. Déjà vu’s still strong.
And it’s an adventure I love.