We Keep On Living

Like you spilled your blood,
I spill my heart as an offering
To my king
Here I am, take me
As an offering
Here I am, giving every heartbeat
For your glory take me
The time that I have left
Is all I have of worth
I lay it at your feet, lord
It’s less than you deserve
And though I’ve little strength
And though my days are few,
You gave your life for me
So, I will live my life for you.

~ Alabastor Jar lyrics.

It’s been roughly five months since I left Malaysia, step foot onto another country and wow, the lessons that I’ve learnt, the miracles that I’ve encountered, and the turmoil of emotions I’ve faced seemed countless. I’ve had so much to say, so much to spill. But in the end, they all stay bottled in my heart, and only the Lord knows the cries and fears and struggles.

And yet, here I am, penning in down in words, because staying strong can be easy, but I’m so broken, I still look back and weep.

It begins a little while back. Back when she was still so foolish.

She goes off to a new land, not expecting much, knowing there’s hardship ahead, but like a young naive child, she continues to hope and pray that it’ll just be a breeze. It won’t be so difficult for me to overcome, she thinks. I’m strong enough, she thinks.

She’s wrong.

She goes on ahead, planning selfish things. She thought, Lord, let this be mine. And her faith so strong, she believed so hard, it became true. Only it didn’t seem to be, for things came to ruin in the end. It was slow to her realization. How could she have expected the hurt to come with such a betrayal? She trusted too much. She didn’t before, but with the blessings that came before, she had come to rely too much on people, and got her heart broken. This naive child learnt a little about the change in personality and character. But she still believed in good things to come.

But they didn’t.

God is good all the time, she reminds herself. The Lord gives, and takes away, she recites. The Lord gives, and takes away. He gave her precious friends and precious times, and He takes them away for reasons she does not know. Yet He is good, and He stays with her through the lonely days as she prayed for that mortal presence to stick with her through the long and dreary days. She’s not strong enough to be alone yet.

And He gives. :)

Still, hearts that are broken are not so easily healed, and she still aches, she still hurts. To the point that rage comes along. She is at fault, she knows. But the pain that she feels for trusting too much, and being denied cuts her through. She loved, so much. And when that love was lost, it felt like nothing else mattered but what was gone. They say you only know what’s precious to you, when you’ve lost it. She knows how it feels now, when you love so, and then it doesn’t seem to be the same anymore.

Even through the struggles through the many hectic days in that new land, even through the examinations that tore her through because she just couldn’t be good enough, her mind was always only on that lost love. She couldn’t be good enough in studies, she couldn’t be good enough as a friend, is that why? Is that why? She was never good enough.

She reminds herself, God made me wonderfully. I am perfect in His eyes.

It’s hard to remember that when all she can feel is rejection.

She fears now, that she will lose everyone else. Because maybe they’ll realize that she’s not really a good person too, just a silly stupid naive child. They’ll see that she’s not worth it. She’s so afraid. But then there’s that someone whom the Lord had led her to. He makes her smile, and for that she’s grateful. He makes things seem so much better. And God is so good to her for that. And she prays that should there be a day when he leaves to, God will always bring someone to her to love and to cherish.

There will always be the tears, she knows, after every paper, after every encounter with them, after every reminder of what use to be. But then there are also the people who unexpectedly cheer her up. There are the dinners and lunches with cherished ones. And they remind her, its okay. Its okay, there are people who love her still. (For now.) And she remembers her family back home, awaiting her return, and that always, always makes her feel so much better. Because they never leave her. Thats family.

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. The difference is, sometimes we have to let them go.

Is it alright to be selfish, she often wonders. Because everyone is, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Is it too much to ask when you want to be just cherished and loved on your birthday? But she knows in reality, sometimes it is too much. Its time for the holidays after hectic times, and people forget.

Why didn’t she just sit beside me and wish me properly. A surprise, a gesture of friendship. A hypocritical function.

They didn’t remember. And she missed the ones who did. She wondered, who really knows me? Who really cares? God, she knows without a doubt. Family, she’s certain. And friends? She does not know anymore. She used to, but doubts come, and they interfere with what’s real. And now.. She will never say that she’s sure.

It’s okay. For that very day, was a lesson in hand. That year ahead may be full of depressing times, and betrayal, and hurt. But God never leaves, nor does He forsake her. And she’ll keep running the race, living each day for Him. It doesn’t matter if people hurt her, or leave her, or forget about her. God doesn’t. That matters. She will continue to love others, smile and try to be happy. Only because God loved her first.

Still. Maybe the loving them part shall come after she heals. Because she still can’t look at them without pain, hurt and rage coming through. Just heal me first Lord, she asks. And let me be me. Loving, living, smiling because I can, because You love me.

Lord, thank You for the miracles, she says. Lord, thank You for the acceptance that came with the love. Lord, thank You for Your grace. Lord, thank You for the lessons. Lord, guide me through the year ahead. :)

The end.

P/S: Much love to dearest Esther Lee for standing by me through the times when I mope and cry and just had to breathe. You spent your time for me, and I hope that as the years pass us by, we can continue counting on each other. I love you my dearest dearest friend! :)

Much love to the closest guy friend I have in India. You made everyday so much better just being by my side. You made me laugh, and stood by me too, as I cried. Thank you. My days would have less laughter, less smiles without you.

Much love to Tan KK who helped me through. Your concern and frowns as you asked about me always touches my heart. Because you think of me, even when you’ve got issues of your own. Thank you for that. It always gives me hope and faith that someone still cares, even when they don’t know me so well. You are so blessed with love darling. :)

P/P/S: Happy Valentine’s Day everybody. :)

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