I don’t even know what to think anymore. Nor do I understand what’s going on in my hearts and theirs. Who’s to blame? Me? Them? This thought sets my heart in turmoil again and then another pushes its way through. Why find fault? There really is no point to play the blame game.

Who started it? What happened on between? If there’s no point to playing the blame game then why does questions like that come up over and over again.

How do we fix it? This one question does not confound me. Because there is only one answer.

We don’t. I don’t. I can’t. Because the hurts run too deep, the pain stings everyday and the tears doesn’t stop coming.

Should we talk it over?

But what is there to say anymore. You made your choice and I stood by meekly and watched it happen.

The end.

To Be The Bigger Person

Life is always hectic in Manipal. There’s always the catching up with work, the never ending tests, the mind-wrecking, gut-wrenching PBLs, and the SDLs. Not to mention the numerous nonsensical dramas in between. Having sleep can be such a luxury sometimes. But the key is to really study when there’s the time to. :)

Today is not one of those days. It hasn’t been for the past two weeks. There’s always something missing, something not there. An uneasiness.

And it’s multiplied a hundred-fold today. I know what’s been missing now. Is it morbid how my life is uneasy until I’ve a crisis/trouble looming ahead? It’s been peaceful the past few days. And when something big hits the shores of my life: that’s when it falls into place.

Lord, is this your way of reminding me how important you are in my life? Do I forget to praise you in the times when I’m happy? Do I forget to pray?

Lord, thank You for helping me grow day after day.

It’s difficult for me, difficult for everyone, I’m sure. It’s difficult for me to say sorry. But here I am, trying. And there you are, shutting me off. How do you want me to express my love? I know I had been difficult. I know that I wasn’t always the best for you. I know that I was never always there for you. But here I am now, trying to move pass the past, and reaching out to you. And there you are, killing me with your silences and shouts, killing me with your words. You don’t believe that I love you, you don’t believe that I care. You think me wonderful one minute, you think me utterly like dust the next.

What do you want me to do? I’m only human, I cannot save you. I can only love you the best I can. But you’re not even allowing me to do so. I want to take you as you are, but you say I condemn you. And here you are, condemning me for being me.

I stayed silent, and I suffered. I voiced it out, and it was better for a while, before it got worst again. And when I stifle the voice, there’s tears shed still. What should I do? What should I do?

How will this end I wonder?

We Keep On Living

Like you spilled your blood,
I spill my heart as an offering
To my king
Here I am, take me
As an offering
Here I am, giving every heartbeat
For your glory take me
The time that I have left
Is all I have of worth
I lay it at your feet, lord
It’s less than you deserve
And though I’ve little strength
And though my days are few,
You gave your life for me
So, I will live my life for you.

~ Alabastor Jar lyrics.

It’s been roughly five months since I left Malaysia, step foot onto another country and wow, the lessons that I’ve learnt, the miracles that I’ve encountered, and the turmoil of emotions I’ve faced seemed countless. I’ve had so much to say, so much to spill. But in the end, they all stay bottled in my heart, and only the Lord knows the cries and fears and struggles.

And yet, here I am, penning in down in words, because staying strong can be easy, but I’m so broken, I still look back and weep.

It begins a little while back. Back when she was still so foolish.

She goes off to a new land, not expecting much, knowing there’s hardship ahead, but like a young naive child, she continues to hope and pray that it’ll just be a breeze. It won’t be so difficult for me to overcome, she thinks. I’m strong enough, she thinks.

She’s wrong.

She goes on ahead, planning selfish things. She thought, Lord, let this be mine. And her faith so strong, she believed so hard, it became true. Only it didn’t seem to be, for things came to ruin in the end. It was slow to her realization. How could she have expected the hurt to come with such a betrayal? She trusted too much. She didn’t before, but with the blessings that came before, she had come to rely too much on people, and got her heart broken. This naive child learnt a little about the change in personality and character. But she still believed in good things to come.

But they didn’t.

God is good all the time, she reminds herself. The Lord gives, and takes away, she recites. The Lord gives, and takes away. He gave her precious friends and precious times, and He takes them away for reasons she does not know. Yet He is good, and He stays with her through the lonely days as she prayed for that mortal presence to stick with her through the long and dreary days. She’s not strong enough to be alone yet.

And He gives. :)

Still, hearts that are broken are not so easily healed, and she still aches, she still hurts. To the point that rage comes along. She is at fault, she knows. But the pain that she feels for trusting too much, and being denied cuts her through. She loved, so much. And when that love was lost, it felt like nothing else mattered but what was gone. They say you only know what’s precious to you, when you’ve lost it. She knows how it feels now, when you love so, and then it doesn’t seem to be the same anymore.

Even through the struggles through the many hectic days in that new land, even through the examinations that tore her through because she just couldn’t be good enough, her mind was always only on that lost love. She couldn’t be good enough in studies, she couldn’t be good enough as a friend, is that why? Is that why? She was never good enough.

She reminds herself, God made me wonderfully. I am perfect in His eyes.

It’s hard to remember that when all she can feel is rejection.

She fears now, that she will lose everyone else. Because maybe they’ll realize that she’s not really a good person too, just a silly stupid naive child. They’ll see that she’s not worth it. She’s so afraid. But then there’s that someone whom the Lord had led her to. He makes her smile, and for that she’s grateful. He makes things seem so much better. And God is so good to her for that. And she prays that should there be a day when he leaves to, God will always bring someone to her to love and to cherish.

There will always be the tears, she knows, after every paper, after every encounter with them, after every reminder of what use to be. But then there are also the people who unexpectedly cheer her up. There are the dinners and lunches with cherished ones. And they remind her, its okay. Its okay, there are people who love her still. (For now.) And she remembers her family back home, awaiting her return, and that always, always makes her feel so much better. Because they never leave her. Thats family.

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. The difference is, sometimes we have to let them go.

Is it alright to be selfish, she often wonders. Because everyone is, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Is it too much to ask when you want to be just cherished and loved on your birthday? But she knows in reality, sometimes it is too much. Its time for the holidays after hectic times, and people forget.

Why didn’t she just sit beside me and wish me properly. A surprise, a gesture of friendship. A hypocritical function.

They didn’t remember. And she missed the ones who did. She wondered, who really knows me? Who really cares? God, she knows without a doubt. Family, she’s certain. And friends? She does not know anymore. She used to, but doubts come, and they interfere with what’s real. And now.. She will never say that she’s sure.

It’s okay. For that very day, was a lesson in hand. That year ahead may be full of depressing times, and betrayal, and hurt. But God never leaves, nor does He forsake her. And she’ll keep running the race, living each day for Him. It doesn’t matter if people hurt her, or leave her, or forget about her. God doesn’t. That matters. She will continue to love others, smile and try to be happy. Only because God loved her first.

Still. Maybe the loving them part shall come after she heals. Because she still can’t look at them without pain, hurt and rage coming through. Just heal me first Lord, she asks. And let me be me. Loving, living, smiling because I can, because You love me.

Lord, thank You for the miracles, she says. Lord, thank You for the acceptance that came with the love. Lord, thank You for Your grace. Lord, thank You for the lessons. Lord, guide me through the year ahead. :)

The end.

P/S: Much love to dearest Esther Lee for standing by me through the times when I mope and cry and just had to breathe. You spent your time for me, and I hope that as the years pass us by, we can continue counting on each other. I love you my dearest dearest friend! :)

Much love to the closest guy friend I have in India. You made everyday so much better just being by my side. You made me laugh, and stood by me too, as I cried. Thank you. My days would have less laughter, less smiles without you.

Much love to Tan KK who helped me through. Your concern and frowns as you asked about me always touches my heart. Because you think of me, even when you’ve got issues of your own. Thank you for that. It always gives me hope and faith that someone still cares, even when they don’t know me so well. You are so blessed with love darling. :)

P/P/S: Happy Valentine’s Day everybody. :)


Today is a day of firsts.

A beautiful start to the year by waking up and just praising the goodness and blessings bestowed upon me by God.

A walk with a dear friend, talking about another year ahead of us, full on uncertainties and strong borders already determined for us. A shift from being a teenager to the big two-oh, and of being 21. ;)

Classes for the first time on New Year’s day!

Developing faith and using the gifts He’s given me to the fullest, and praying for more opportunities, for His wisdom to help me more and more, to reach out and expand His kingdom.

And then it was going to the Carnival in India! :) Taking the ferris wheel with someone well cared for, and just enjoying each and every moment.

Dinner at Dishes. :)

And it ends with a rowdy wonderful bunch of friends, singing and dancing together. The first step to the unknown, and walking back brimming with laughter, and memories that will never be forgotten.

Ah, 2011. You’ve proven to be full of surprises indeed.

What’s going to come tomorrow?

P/S: There’s also that struggle in my heart. Believing and yet not believing. But only time can tell, and 2011, I’m pretty impatient sometimes. But I’ll wait, and see how it goes.

I Love This

This is going to be short, because its just mostly composed of this little joy I have in my heart right now. :)

God has been amazingly good to me. He has never been any less. Christmas this year is going to be different. For one, I’m not with my family. There’ll be no exchange of presents or anything. But still, I’ve a family here in India, composed of so many varied people, and so many new friends. :)

I want to give them all presents, but for the life of me, I can’t think of anything to give haha! So sorry. I’ll try to think of something soon. But yeah. Christmas! I’ve only started feeling the Christmas spirit after watching the Christmas Glee special. :) The gang are all out caroling today too but I didn’t go because I’ve been sick since Friday, and only just started eating regular meals again. :(

I’ve been in my room, just staring at the same Biochemistry page, but instead on freaking out on not really studying, I’ve been listening to songs, rewalking those well-loved scenes in my head on my lovely dream worlds. Just wandering around the net, doing the stuff I would’ve done back home on holidays.

I never knew it could be so therapeutic and relaxing. Doing things done so many times, just walking about, being me. :) It’s an awesome feeling. Just this: recovering, and gearing up for tougher, brighter days ahead. It’s gonna be awesome awesome because every day is different. Everyday something new’s happening, and God’s gonna be there for me all my days ahead. Lovely, yeah. :)

I meant to write a sappy love blog post too, but in the span of the two days since those thoughts, I think I grew up a little. My thoughts expanded a little. God taught me a little more. :) All is good. It won’t be the same sappy post I composed in my head, but maybe just a recap on things, and how I wanted, and how God showed me more. :)

Life is never perfect. Life has its moments. But I’m looking past all that, and seeing His glory blazing through everything. :)

It’s awesome.

Its Just One of Those Days

When everything seems well on course at first, when you just had an amazing time, and then it all comes crashing down.

Panic starts settling in. The suppressed pain starts gnawing on the insides again. The pressure building up.

And the only thing I can do is cry.

Thank God for the tears. It would’ve been so much more painful without.

Thats Just It

Once upon a time, I wanted to write a fantasy story about a love that could never be. It was meant to be tragic, heartwrenching, damn good.

In fact, I’m still writing it. But its evolved far more than what it was meant to be in the beginning. There are so many changes since then, and not only in the storyline. But in the people as well. That would include myself. Growing up can really make you see things in a newer perspective. You can really tell what’s changed, when your style’s changed as well.

One of the biggest differences? Something really funny. Back then, I didn’t really know what a crush was like. Seriously, I’m not even going to reveal my age when I first started writing that story, but yeah. I wasn’t all that young.

I still recall going on the forum and asking people, “How do you write about crushes? What are the emotions involved? The symptoms?” When I think back on this, I really wish I could turn back time and stop myself from asking senseless questions haha. So naive! But I really wanted to know, and I really wanted to write that really good story about a crush that turned to love, and yes, happy endings coupled with magic, fighting, and running. Oh, wow. Haha. What a story. You see it everywhere now.

Going back to that stupid question about crushes. Haha. I still have the answers saved from that forum somewhere in my laptop. :) It was a few pages long, with experience from people of all ages, all over the world. They were darn helpful, and I gobbled up every tidbit.

The way you get so excited seeing that someone you like.

Feeling happy for no reason at all, and loving the way they smile at you.

The way you count the moments they’re there, and the way you miss them when they’re not.

Thinking about what could be.

Thinking about them day and night.

The best part? I actually tried to incorporate all the little bits and pieces of every answer into my main character. It never did work out, because I didn’t really know how it was like then. It was like dumping a whole barrel of a weird fruit on someone, and asking them to make dishes with them. You don’t know how it tastes like, how it’s unique flavour would work with others, how to incorporate its scent into the dish. The same with trying to write down experiences you’ve never had.

It doesn’t work out. Not until you’ve had that touch. It doesn’t work out for all things, because some things you’ve never seen before, imagination can supply. Having a crush is not something imagination can help you out with. Because the breaking your heart part? Hard to imagine when you’ve never been hurt there before. :)

And now that I finally do?

Oh, having a crush is such a pain. Such a pain.

I’m going to forego it altogether in my story this time. ;)

And the point of this story? Nothing really. Just felt like it. Felt like announcing, that yes, you are finally dead to me. Oh, and NaNoWriMo‘s tomorrow, and there’s a quick spotter’s test on Tuesday, MTF test for Anatomy on Wednesday, Physio on Saturday and Biochem on Monday I think. Oh woe.

I’m still going to write though.

But maybe not about crushes anymore.

It just makes me realize how weird life is that the exact same moment that meant nothing to you, you meant everything to me.  Now I can’t forget, and you can’t remember.