To Be The Bigger Person

Life is always hectic in Manipal. There’s always the catching up with work, the never ending tests, the mind-wrecking, gut-wrenching PBLs, and the SDLs. Not to mention the numerous nonsensical dramas in between. Having sleep can be such a luxury sometimes. But the key is to really study when there’s the time to. :)

Today is not one of those days. It hasn’t been for the past two weeks. There’s always something missing, something not there. An uneasiness.

And it’s multiplied a hundred-fold today. I know what’s been missing now. Is it morbid how my life is uneasy until I’ve a crisis/trouble looming ahead? It’s been peaceful the past few days. And when something big hits the shores of my life: that’s when it falls into place.

Lord, is this your way of reminding me how important you are in my life? Do I forget to praise you in the times when I’m happy? Do I forget to pray?

Lord, thank You for helping me grow day after day.

It’s difficult for me, difficult for everyone, I’m sure. It’s difficult for me to say sorry. But here I am, trying. And there you are, shutting me off. How do you want me to express my love? I know I had been difficult. I know that I wasn’t always the best for you. I know that I was never always there for you. But here I am now, trying to move pass the past, and reaching out to you. And there you are, killing me with your silences and shouts, killing me with your words. You don’t believe that I love you, you don’t believe that I care. You think me wonderful one minute, you think me utterly like dust the next.

What do you want me to do? I’m only human, I cannot save you. I can only love you the best I can. But you’re not even allowing me to do so. I want to take you as you are, but you say I condemn you. And here you are, condemning me for being me.

I stayed silent, and I suffered. I voiced it out, and it was better for a while, before it got worst again. And when I stifle the voice, there’s tears shed still. What should I do? What should I do?

How will this end I wonder?