To Be The Bigger Person

Life is always hectic in Manipal. There’s always the catching up with work, the never ending tests, the mind-wrecking, gut-wrenching PBLs, and the SDLs. Not to mention the numerous nonsensical dramas in between. Having sleep can be such a luxury sometimes. But the key is to really study when there’s the time to. :)

Today is not one of those days. It hasn’t been for the past two weeks. There’s always something missing, something not there. An uneasiness.

And it’s multiplied a hundred-fold today. I know what’s been missing now. Is it morbid how my life is uneasy until I’ve a crisis/trouble looming ahead? It’s been peaceful the past few days. And when something big hits the shores of my life: that’s when it falls into place.

Lord, is this your way of reminding me how important you are in my life? Do I forget to praise you in the times when I’m happy? Do I forget to pray?

Lord, thank You for helping me grow day after day.

It’s difficult for me, difficult for everyone, I’m sure. It’s difficult for me to say sorry. But here I am, trying. And there you are, shutting me off. How do you want me to express my love? I know I had been difficult. I know that I wasn’t always the best for you. I know that I was never always there for you. But here I am now, trying to move pass the past, and reaching out to you. And there you are, killing me with your silences and shouts, killing me with your words. You don’t believe that I love you, you don’t believe that I care. You think me wonderful one minute, you think me utterly like dust the next.

What do you want me to do? I’m only human, I cannot save you. I can only love you the best I can. But you’re not even allowing me to do so. I want to take you as you are, but you say I condemn you. And here you are, condemning me for being me.

I stayed silent, and I suffered. I voiced it out, and it was better for a while, before it got worst again. And when I stifle the voice, there’s tears shed still. What should I do? What should I do?

How will this end I wonder?

Sleepy Naughty Baby

When I came back home from India, the last thing I expected was more pets around my house. Specifically, inside my house. My housing area always had stray dogs around. I hated it, because my previous household pet, Glory, a scruffy dog, liked to pick fights with the other dogs. He died because of that as well, and I didn’t realize until I wondered why he didn’t wake up from his usual nap by the door. We don’t really chain him up, because while he’s small, he’s lethal. He can break chains.

With him gone, my darling neighbour decided to continuously adopt more dogs just to keep their house safe, as there’s threats of theft, etc. The only problem? They don’t give them collars, they don’t keep them in the house, they don’t feed them, and literally sets them wild after the initial, “Oh look at my cute puppy!” disappears into thin air.

And when I came back home, there were four dogs roaming around. Two huge giant dogs, one scruffy dog very unlike my Glory before, and a stinky ugly Chihuahua which I really disliked. They were also humping when I returned. Ugh.

Mum also prepared me with a call just before I came back. “Your sister and brother seemed to have found themselves with three kittens.” Also, there were two little terrapins, in which one had disappeared.

Oh goodness gracious me. So many pets! :(

Then I saw the three little kittens, barely four days old, and i sort-of fell in love. I never expected to love them, and I did. Also, I enjoy tilting the terrapin backwards and laughing at it. But still, let’s get back to the kittens! I’m not really an animal lover, because past the adorable cuddliness, there’s the poop, the ickyness, and all, which I don’t really like. Haha! Yes, not really a dog person or a cat person, but still!

Them kittens stole my heart. Here I am cuddling them in my lap, stroking their necks, letting them kiss my cheeks, or bite at my fingers, and I just love them. Despite them pooping and all. They’re still awesome.

I wonder what’s going to happen to them. My family can’t keep them, not with all of us away from home so often. Ah well.

Until that day comes when I’m to fly back. I’m gonna keep them close to my heart. Literally. :)

Dreams

You leave me no choice but to bleed and to live and to survive. Sometimes the world is my oyster, and sometimes, its just a bridge, and I’m walking to see where it’ll end.

Sometimes there’s so much pain because there’s never really one person to hold my hand, but then thats foolish! Because there’s always one genuine beautiful one that loves me always.

Life goes about its funny ways, and the thing about thinking the way I do, like that in stories, in its theme, action, plot, climax, ups, and downs, and twists: is that everyone has their life to lead. Each has their own story to tell, and to know them, so difficult, but so wondrous.

Tangled in it.

Tell me your tale.

I’ll gladly share mine. :)

We Keep On Living

Like you spilled your blood,
I spill my heart as an offering
To my king
Here I am, take me
As an offering
Here I am, giving every heartbeat
For your glory take me
The time that I have left
Is all I have of worth
I lay it at your feet, lord
It’s less than you deserve
And though I’ve little strength
And though my days are few,
You gave your life for me
So, I will live my life for you.

~ Alabastor Jar lyrics.

It’s been roughly five months since I left Malaysia, step foot onto another country and wow, the lessons that I’ve learnt, the miracles that I’ve encountered, and the turmoil of emotions I’ve faced seemed countless. I’ve had so much to say, so much to spill. But in the end, they all stay bottled in my heart, and only the Lord knows the cries and fears and struggles.

And yet, here I am, penning in down in words, because staying strong can be easy, but I’m so broken, I still look back and weep.

It begins a little while back. Back when she was still so foolish.

She goes off to a new land, not expecting much, knowing there’s hardship ahead, but like a young naive child, she continues to hope and pray that it’ll just be a breeze. It won’t be so difficult for me to overcome, she thinks. I’m strong enough, she thinks.

She’s wrong.

She goes on ahead, planning selfish things. She thought, Lord, let this be mine. And her faith so strong, she believed so hard, it became true. Only it didn’t seem to be, for things came to ruin in the end. It was slow to her realization. How could she have expected the hurt to come with such a betrayal? She trusted too much. She didn’t before, but with the blessings that came before, she had come to rely too much on people, and got her heart broken. This naive child learnt a little about the change in personality and character. But she still believed in good things to come.

But they didn’t.

God is good all the time, she reminds herself. The Lord gives, and takes away, she recites. The Lord gives, and takes away. He gave her precious friends and precious times, and He takes them away for reasons she does not know. Yet He is good, and He stays with her through the lonely days as she prayed for that mortal presence to stick with her through the long and dreary days. She’s not strong enough to be alone yet.

And He gives. :)

Still, hearts that are broken are not so easily healed, and she still aches, she still hurts. To the point that rage comes along. She is at fault, she knows. But the pain that she feels for trusting too much, and being denied cuts her through. She loved, so much. And when that love was lost, it felt like nothing else mattered but what was gone. They say you only know what’s precious to you, when you’ve lost it. She knows how it feels now, when you love so, and then it doesn’t seem to be the same anymore.

Even through the struggles through the many hectic days in that new land, even through the examinations that tore her through because she just couldn’t be good enough, her mind was always only on that lost love. She couldn’t be good enough in studies, she couldn’t be good enough as a friend, is that why? Is that why? She was never good enough.

She reminds herself, God made me wonderfully. I am perfect in His eyes.

It’s hard to remember that when all she can feel is rejection.

She fears now, that she will lose everyone else. Because maybe they’ll realize that she’s not really a good person too, just a silly stupid naive child. They’ll see that she’s not worth it. She’s so afraid. But then there’s that someone whom the Lord had led her to. He makes her smile, and for that she’s grateful. He makes things seem so much better. And God is so good to her for that. And she prays that should there be a day when he leaves to, God will always bring someone to her to love and to cherish.

There will always be the tears, she knows, after every paper, after every encounter with them, after every reminder of what use to be. But then there are also the people who unexpectedly cheer her up. There are the dinners and lunches with cherished ones. And they remind her, its okay. Its okay, there are people who love her still. (For now.) And she remembers her family back home, awaiting her return, and that always, always makes her feel so much better. Because they never leave her. Thats family.

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. The difference is, sometimes we have to let them go.

Is it alright to be selfish, she often wonders. Because everyone is, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Is it too much to ask when you want to be just cherished and loved on your birthday? But she knows in reality, sometimes it is too much. Its time for the holidays after hectic times, and people forget.

Why didn’t she just sit beside me and wish me properly. A surprise, a gesture of friendship. A hypocritical function.

They didn’t remember. And she missed the ones who did. She wondered, who really knows me? Who really cares? God, she knows without a doubt. Family, she’s certain. And friends? She does not know anymore. She used to, but doubts come, and they interfere with what’s real. And now.. She will never say that she’s sure.

It’s okay. For that very day, was a lesson in hand. That year ahead may be full of depressing times, and betrayal, and hurt. But God never leaves, nor does He forsake her. And she’ll keep running the race, living each day for Him. It doesn’t matter if people hurt her, or leave her, or forget about her. God doesn’t. That matters. She will continue to love others, smile and try to be happy. Only because God loved her first.

Still. Maybe the loving them part shall come after she heals. Because she still can’t look at them without pain, hurt and rage coming through. Just heal me first Lord, she asks. And let me be me. Loving, living, smiling because I can, because You love me.

Lord, thank You for the miracles, she says. Lord, thank You for the acceptance that came with the love. Lord, thank You for Your grace. Lord, thank You for the lessons. Lord, guide me through the year ahead. :)

The end.

P/S: Much love to dearest Esther Lee for standing by me through the times when I mope and cry and just had to breathe. You spent your time for me, and I hope that as the years pass us by, we can continue counting on each other. I love you my dearest dearest friend! :)

Much love to the closest guy friend I have in India. You made everyday so much better just being by my side. You made me laugh, and stood by me too, as I cried. Thank you. My days would have less laughter, less smiles without you.

Much love to Tan KK who helped me through. Your concern and frowns as you asked about me always touches my heart. Because you think of me, even when you’ve got issues of your own. Thank you for that. It always gives me hope and faith that someone still cares, even when they don’t know me so well. You are so blessed with love darling. :)

P/P/S: Happy Valentine’s Day everybody. :)

It’s Amazing!

Its a known fact that I study with blaring loud music, and do several things at once. Multi-tasking. It’s because I have a tendency to lose focus when I do only one thing. Strange, isn’t it? But that seems to be the way I work.

However, I can’t continue doing that anymore. It doesn’t work in Medical school. Subjects are so volatile, and understanding and mugging are all needed. :( I haven’t been doing so well either, and the fact that I get distracted so easily is bad!

Which is why I’ve been going to the library to study. le gasp! The quiet, libary with small tables and creaking chairs! When I first entered the library to have a look-see, I told Esther, “Ee, the tables are so weird. Why got all those borders around it?” And I thought, “Hell, I probably will never actually step foot and study in the library, ever.”

And here I am, today. Studying in the library, with its creaking chairs and weird tables.

Ah life. Thou art unexpected. :D

P/S: This post has no point. It’s merely to procrastinate and destress for that little while before I go back to Physiology. T___T Exams! :(